Happy Friday Everyone!
As you can see, I’ve been slowly been getting back to the blogging game. HIP HIP HOORAY! in the beginning, I stated that I want to be transparent with you all because hearing my story can better help influence your’s. Honestly, this post was going to be about three pages long filled with the woes of Chard but I decided to take a different approach.
One of my good friends also happens to be an amazing designer and I couldn’t think of better way to honor her amazingness, but I sure will try.
Throughout the months of September 2014-January 2015, I living a pretty toxic life. My new birth control started to mess with my emotions/weight (or at least the doctor told me it did), I was in a toxic “situationship” (which only lead to feelings of despair and self hate), and I never felt more alone in my life.
Many of my friends couldn’t really tell because they said things like “How are you and the new boo?” “Hey boo, I see you at the club, wasn’t that fun?” Or my most heart wrenching “You inspired me to pursue x, y, and z. Your life seems perfect and you’re always smiling!” I said this was the most heart wrenching because I felt forced to keep up with an image that didn’t truly reflect how I felt on the inside.
During this time period, I lost a “friend”, I gained 45 lbs from my last weigh in, I stopped going to the gym on a consistent basis, I let someone else tell me the laundry list of “things wrong with me” and tried to fix them, and I developed a self hate for myself that took nearly 9 years eradicate. I won’t go into the specifics but what really helped me get through a lot of this was God. God is my Guy! He’s always be my GUY but sometimes you are so blindsided by “false gods” that you don’t realize that God has been there to begin with.
I was so uncomfortable with my weight gain during this time because I couldn’t find anything that fit and I realized that a lot of my physical capabilities were diminishing. I didn’t really hate they way I looked, I hated the aftermath of my 45lb weight gain. I spent a good three years trying to lose 100lbs. I once gained 365, and for me to shoot back up to 305 (coming from my lowest of 247), it’s disheartening. A lot of the “constructive criticism” I was receiving caused me to hate myself and hate how I viewed myself as well. Today, if you follow my Instagram you’ll notice I stopped posting about my weight gain. I didn’t want this health journey to be a spectacle anymore. I just want to work on myself at my own pace…at my own time…loving every pound that comes on and off.
One random day, I decided to connect with my Izzy of the thicky chicky. We shared so many memories and what was going on in our lives, but I really garnered so much from that conversation that it truly informed my next steps. So the best way to honor my friend who basically saved life (she doesn’t know it yet lol) is to highlight some quotes and ideas from our conversations while wearing some pieces from her online boutique!!! So Izzy, here’s to you!
Side note: It took a lot for me to post these pictures at first because it truly highlights my weight gain but I’ve finally learned to accept that my weight gain isn’t anything other than a reflection of my physique…it’s not definitive of my growth since my downfall nor who I am today. I am still FLY ASS FXXK! #BackRollsAndAll #UnbortheredBellyAndAll
From our conversation, I realized that no matter how many outside factors tell you about yourself, only CHARDLINE can tell you about yourself. Yes, a lot of this is easier said than done but the road to honoring that fact is so rewarding. Thanks Izzy!
I was placing so much of my happiness and strength in one person, that I forgot how to stand up on my own two feet. Life is always going to happen, don’t let that excuse define you. No many how much rocks are being thrown your way…dodge them shits!
I can’t believe I almost allowed someone to tell me “my hair is ugly” (but he wouldn’t pay for it), tell me I was lazy (…I will keep that rebuttal to myself lol), and harm me. Being IMPERFECTLY ME is what I am DOPE at doing. To allow someone else into my life and dictate those opinions should’ve been the last of my concern. Today, I am more than welcoming of all negativity…it honestly can’t hurt me anymore. Chardline knows who she is.
The “Bxxch look on my face says it all. Being firm with and real with myself was one of the best decisions I’ve made!
I’ve never been the one to say “The devil is working overtime” because I don’t want to give any other entity that power except for God. I choose to look in the light instead of acknowledging my demons. God won’t give me anything I can’t handle and I’ve learned so much from this process that I couldn’t be more thankful!
Thanks for reading everyone! Til next week,
Major shout out to Tizzy for the pictures!! I really hope you guys are checking her out!